A Final Goodbye

there is no new ground to till,

there are no new seeds to plant,

there will be no sweet harvest,

it's all been said and felt before,

I will ache until my dying breath,

goodnight my peanut,

goodnight my child,

rest among the Angels where you belong.

9:15pm, You Should Be Four

Happy Birthday Olivia!!! We celebrated your Fourth Birthday today with Pizza and Cake, just like I know you'd want to eat if you were here with us. As we pulled up to Memorial Park, Amelia blurts out "We goin to da Cemetery." It's just heartbreaking that your little sister has to even know those words. She shouldn't have to grow up in a world of loss, but how else can we keep your memory alive for her.

Amelia had a blast running round the cemetery even though it was bitter cold today, she was just excited to see the balloons and stuffed animals on all the children's graves. Oh how we miss you, a 'celebration' always tinged with sorrow. We love you and miss you every day!

Sleep in Heavenly Peace my Angel

Merry Christmas Peanut 

Love - Mom, Dad & Amelia

I thought everyone said it would get easier....

Three years have now passed since you left our world.

Three years since we have been able to wrap our arms around you and give you a hug....

Three years since I stroked your face and head to help you relax...

Three years since since we've camped in hospitals for weeks....

Three years of missing your voice...  How would you sound? What would you say?

Three years of talking to Dragonflies in our back yard every summer...

Three years of wishing you good night before I fall asleep...

Three years of wishing on every shooting star to bring you back to us...

Three years and you're still my Little Peanut...

Three years and you'll always be our oldest....

Three years too long...

Three years too raw...

Three years of missing you every day...

We love you so much.... come back to us some day!!!

Every December Sky - Beth Nielsen Chapman

Every December sky
Must lose its faith in leaves
And dream of the spring inside the trees.
How heavy the empty heart,
How light the heart that's full.
Sometimes I have to trust what I can't know
Sometimes I have to trust what I can't know

We walk into Paradise;
The angels lend us shoes.
'Cause all that we own,
We'll come to lose,
And Heaven is not so far
Outside this womb of words.
With every rose that blooms
My soul is assured
It's just like a song I've known
Yet still unheard.

And every leaf of fire lets go,
Melting in the arms of earth and snow.
And if I could hold you now,
You'd enter like a sigh.
You'd be the wind that blows
The answer to "why?"
You'd be the spring-filled trees
Of every December sky.

Happy 3rd Birthday Peanut

I can only imagine the level of excitement that would surround you today in anticipation of your Birthday.You'd be running around like a crazy-ass, impatiently waiting for your cake and presents. You'd be trying to explain (in 3-year-old speak) to your sister why it's your day and trying to share your excitement. I just wish you were here to share this day with us.

We miss you every day. Love you more than ever!

Happy Birthday Peanut!

Two years is too long

It's been far too long missing your smile. Just once more... for even a second....

Miss you so much!

Love you always!

Happy 2nd Birthday Peanut

Two years ago today you were brought into our world to change it forever.  I wish today were truly a "Happy Birthday", but it's more of reminder of how much your absence still hurts. It's hard not to let the sorrow at your absence overwhelm the memories of joy we felt at your arrival. 

Not a day goes by where I don't miss your smile, your throaty chuckle, or your full head of hair. I still feel your penetrating gaze looking upon my soul, giving me strength to draw upon when my sorrow goes too deep.

I know you're watching over our family, guiding us with your little sister. Thank you for that! I hope you're partying with all the other AGS angels eating cake to your heart's content.

I miss you & Love you my little sweet Olivia Anne.

A Bundle of Joy at the End of the Rainbow

My Dearest Olivia,

I'd like to introduce you to your little sister Amelia Anne.

She was born 2 weeks ago today on 10/18/10. She tipped the scales at 7lbs 3oz & 20 3/4  inches long. She came into this world a very special child -- not just that's she's a Rainbow Baby, but she's got you as her older sister and personal Guardian Angel.

We know you've been watching over her since we first found out about being pregnant on your 1st Birthday. A day where we should have been giving you presents, you gave us the best present we could have ever dreamed of.

All throughout the next 9 months you have never been far from our thoughts and hearts; every Dr's visit, every test, every ultrasound, anxious days of waiting. You guided us and helped reassure us that all would be OK.

When we had the 3-D ultrasound, Amelia's face reminded us so much of you. The broad nose (yeah that's daddy's nose -- poor girl), your mother's lips, munching on her hand, even the little episode of Hiccups she had during the ultrasound reminded us of you.

Olivia's Little Sister

There were tears of joy and sadness when she was born; Joy because we finally got to meet our Rainbow Baby. Sadness because it reminded us of what we've lost. Your beautiful picture sat at our bedside, giving us strength all night long.

I'm sure you'd approve of her first out fit too!! Not only does she wear it proudly, it also has a nice Dragonfly on it :)

We miss you everyday peanut, but we know Amelia couldn't have hoped for a better Big Sister. Thanks for guiding her safely into this world. Thanks you for acting as her personal Guardian Angel now and in the future as Amelia grows into the healthy and wonderful person she's destined to be.

We'll love you always.

Love,
Dad, Mom, & Amelia

365 Days of Eternity

One year ago today I put our sweet Olivia back to bed after her 2am feeding. I rocked her to sleep, kissed her forehead, rubbed her cheeks, and whispered "I Love You, Sleep Well." Little did I know, as I quietly pulled the door shut and crawled back into bed beside Sara, that I had just spent my last moments with our precious Peanut.

The stillness of that Sunday morning was completely misleading, soon to be broken by the frantic cries and screams of breaking hearts and shattered lives. When I woke up to sun streaming into our room rather than cries from the baby monitor, I knew something was wrong. I checked the clock, it said 9am, a bit past Olivia's usual wake-up time. As soon as I opened the door to her room, I knew my recurring nightmare had come true. Holding my precious Olivia, still and lifeless, no cooing, no crying, no giggling, no wiggling, just still; a quiet peaceful look on her face. She had departed this life after fitting more into her 6 short months than many people experience in a lifetime.

One Year Ago Today

At 9:15pm on 2/19/09, Sara and I were introduced to our daughter Olivia Anne. We were well aware that our lives would change forever, yet totally unprepared for the direction of change. Today should be a day of celebration and laughter, yet instead it will be a day of sadness and tears.

The last 12 months have been a roller coaster of emotion and stress. Even though we were exhausted the first 36 hours of our life with Olivia were perfect. We did not yet know that she had a heart defect, we did not know her liver couldn't clear itself of bile, we didn't know only one kidney would function. How sweet those precious hours of peace were. I can remember waking up to her 'hungry' cry during that first night, the pride I felt in being a father, the overwhelming urge to protect and defend, the reality of being a family of three now.

Not a moment goes by where Olivia is not front and center in our minds. The loss of those bright shining eyes and dimpled smile changed who we are forever. The torn fabric of our family might slowly be reworked and mended, yet always will the scar remain. We have made many new friends along our journey, while some old ones have faded away. The support we've received from friends, acquaintances, bloggers has been critical to our survival and will continue to be so in the future. I ask you now to keep us in your thoughts, not just today, but next week, next year, five years from now. Light a candle, Say a prayer, send a card, an e-mail, a phone call, acknowledgement that Olivia touched your lives keeps us going.

Peace,

Ben, Sara, & Angel Olivia

Goodnight My Sweet Angel.... Happy 1st Birthday

Farewell 2009

2009 started with such hope and promise for the future, only to come to a sad end, turning the page on a year that changed our lives forever. No matter how sad, angry, or lost we feel, I would not trade one moment of the life we had with Olivia to make the pain go away. I'm just glad that 2009 will soon be a fading memory, ushering in a new hope with 2010.

Sleep well my sweet. Happy New Year Olivia. We Love you.

Alagille Tribute

Here's a video of our extended Alagille Family, put together so nicely by Julee Spalinger. At this time of year, please take a moment to reflect on what you have and what has been lost. If you are lucky enough to have fully healthy children count your blessings and don't take ANY time you have for granted.

Peace,
Ben

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy Thanksgiving Peanut!

We Love You & Miss You SO much....



Adele - Chasing Pavements

I've made up my mind,

No need to think it over,

If i'm wrong I aint right,

No need to look no further,

This ain't lust,

This is love but,

If i tell the world,

I'll never say enough,

Cause it was not said to you,

And thats exactly what i need to do,

If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be a waste?

Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,

And fly around in circles,

Wait then as my heart drops,

and my back begins to tingle

finally could this be it

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be a waste?

Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be a waste?

Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?

Should i give up,

Or should i just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

It Means Nothing

Sometime a song just hits home. I came across this song

when a friend posted it on Facebook shortly after Olivia died.

Somehow it just seems o capture a lot of what I can't seem to

express in my own words.

Did we lose ourselves again?
Do we take in what's been said?
Do we take the time to be
All the things we said we'd be
And we bury heads in sand
But my future's in my hands
It means nothing
It means nothing

You can find yourself a God
Believe in which one you want
'Cos they love you all the same
They just go by different names
When we fly our flag today
Are you proud or just ashamed?
It means nothing
It means nothing

It means nothing
It means nothing
It means nothing
If I haven't got you
If I haven't got you
If I haven't got you
If I haven't got you

And the sun sets in the sky
You're the apple of my eye
If the bomb goes off again
In my brain or on the train
I hope that I'm with you
'Cos I wouldn't know what to do
It means nothing
It means nothing

It means nothing
It means nothing
It means nothing
If I haven't got you
If I haven't got you
If I haven't got you

If I haven't got you

Olivia Memorial Compilation

Here is a shortened compilation of pictures that were shown at Olivia's funeral.

The song is Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What a Wonderful World performed by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Thank you to everyone who has supported us and helped us through our ordeal. Everyone has been just wonderful in our time of grief. Sara and I are blessed to have such great friends. Thanks.

I'll keep posting every now and then so keep coming back.